That Isn't Cool

Hey Internet,

My email has been full of messages from services offering to sell me the cheapest Viagra and/or Cialas.

What the what, Internet?

I mean, I understand that you might be frustrated that I wasn't able to "perform" the other night, even with all that glorious pornography you showed me, but you seemed so kind and understanding at the time. You didn't judge - you let me go and surf some comic book news websites to relax. And, I mean, after I found those pictures of Megan Fox in her costume from the upcoming JONAH HEX movie, we eventually sealed the deal.

So why did you have to go and tell all these online erectile dysfunction medication pushers that I needed their services. I thought we had something special, something that was ours.

Obviously I was wrong, Internet.

I'll check you out tonight. If you really want to let me know you're sorry, find me some hot Eliza Dushku nipple-slips. Or Katie Perry. Oh, or that girl from the Progressive insurance ads. Yeah, she's weird-hot...

See, no medicine needed, Internet. See you tonight.

Watch out!

Yesterday I wrote about how we shouldn't care about what's going on with Brett Michaels. Today I saw that he had to be rushed to the hospital because of a brain hemorrhage.

I'm not saying that I am magic, but maybe you all should think twice about making me angry, I might write about it.
I'm looking at you Heidi Montag.

As of Saturday April 17, the second most popular news story according to Yahoo! was Brett Michaels' emergency appendectomy.

Seriously folks?
I mean we are talking about Brett Michaels.
(Tell me this photo isn't doctored.)
This is a guy who had a hit song when I was in grade school and who is now a reality show regular.

Why do we care about his useless internal organs?
I mean even if he had to have emergency bypass surgery I'm not sure I would click on that article link.

And let's be honest, the interesting thing that we have learned from this story is not that Brett had to have his appendix removed, it's that he had to postpone his tour.
That means Brett Michaels is touring!

Well Florence, Indiana I guess you are just going to have to wait for the Sebastian Bach tour to come around next summer.
(Unless of course he has to have an emergency tonsillectomy.)

svo-ventures in the kichten

i pulled some nice red meat out of my freezer and decided to cook it on my handsome george forman grill. hungry for steak, i was looking forward to a meat and potatos kind of night. i flopped my lean cuts onto my handsome george forman grill and they started cooking.

after awhile i thought to myself hey, why aren't these cooking? (honestly, i probably said it aloud, but with no one to hear but my cats, let's just pretend it was a fleeting thought). the meat seemed to be cooking, but very, very slowly. my steaks were turning a sort of whitish color; they were not turning the color of steak.

i got concerned. i cut into the steaks and saw that the inside looked cooked, but it was white.

i got confused. i dug through my trash and found the plastic wrap from jewel osco with my meat weight and type on it.

i was not cooking steak. i was cooking pork chops.

damn! i thought and/or said aloud to my cats.

An Open Letter to PBS

Dear PBS,

If you want me to give you money your pledge brakes should not consist of programming that I would pay not to watch.

For example, The 2 hours of music theater majors performing Celtic Music in front of a castle with a fog machine going full tilt that you aired Thursday. I would pay $40 to not watch that. In fact, I have written a check for $40 made out to my dog becasue she is willing to play fetch with me in order to stop me from having to watch that.

Or take Friday's 4 hour self-help program designed to convince Baby Boomers that if they think positively and drink green tea they won't die. I have made out a check for $60 to the chuckleheads on Paranormal State for having a more realistic world view.

Finally, let us consider the extensive documentary about early television that you won't stop running. A documentary about television that was so bad that you were invented to counteract it.
I have written a check for $100 to the skeleton of PT Barnum for at least providing real live elephants with his bread and circuses.

Elephants are rad.

Sincerely,
Everyone under the age of 65

An Overheard Conversation That Made Me Die A Little

Scene: Office cafetorium. TWELVE, a mild-mannered trademark lawyer, stands before a microwave, heating her Lean Cuisine. Around a partial wall housing a sink sit FIVE ADMINS. TWO ADMINS sit at one table; THREE ADMINS sit at an adjoining table. They are talking, generally, about movies.

ADMIN ONE: Did any of you see that movie Couples Retreat?

ADMIN TWO: No, I meant to but didn't get around to it.

ADMIN THREE: You have to get it on dvd. It's so funny!

ADMIN TWO: Yeah? The trailer looked hilarious.

ADMIN FOUR: I love that Vince Vaughn. I'd go see him in anything.

ADMIN ONE: Me too. Did you know he was in Zoolander?

ADMIN THREE: I didn't know that!

ADMIN TWO: Me neither. I guess I should rent that too.

ADMIN ONE: You should. It's not as good as Couples Retreat, but it's still pretty funny.

ADMIN FIVE: You know who I like, is that Will Ferrell.

General agreement amongst the ADMINS. TWELVE collects her Lean Cuisine and escapes to her office.

Culinary Note: Failing to refrigerate Lemon-lime Sugar-free Jell-O does not affect its semi-solid state (alarming), but does no favors for its taste.

Seven Super-Powers We Wish We Had

7. Laser Eyes

6. Telepathy

5. The Ability To Turn Failure Into Opportunity

4. Whichever Super-Power Would Make You Date Me

3. Is “Not Being Lazy” A Super-Power?

2. The Ability To Ignore The Stupid Things You Say In Order To Keep This Relationship Alive

1. Flight